Breaking Free from Shame Through God’s Grace

Feb 145 min read

What’s Shame All About?

When I was young people would often say to someone who was guilty of misbehaving, "Do you have no shame?" Shame was not considered a bad thing necessarily. Shame was what was expected if you had done something wrong, even if you hadn't gotten caught. It was the assumption that you would feel deep regret and shame.

First let's define shame. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the realization that our behavior has been wrong or foolish. When we have no shame, it is a sign of a deeply hardened heart. Shame is usually the result of sin. However, trauma and abuse can also lead to feelings of shame. We may confuse guilt and regret with shame.

Like shame, guilt is something you may or may not have. You may have done a bad thing and felt guilty about it or you may have done nothing wrong but, because of a misunderstanding, feel guilt over it. Worse yet, you may have done something really bad and feel no guilt.

I like the way Rory Shiner puts it in his article, "Jesus and our Shame":

"Guilt says, “I did the wrong thing”. Shame says, “I am the wrong person”.

We need to also talk about regret. When we do shameful, sinful things we should have regret. This is a feeling of sadness or disappointment in ourselves over our choices. Our memories are often filled with moments of regret.

How We Feel Shame—and How Others Can Make Us Feel It

Shame is something that we can feel inside ourselves, but we can also be put to shame. People can shame us in how they treat us, the things they do to us, and how they make us feel by their words or actions. Jesus was put to shame on the cross, not for anything He did, but as a result of how He was treated.

Have you ever felt ashamed or been shamed by others? The famous philosopher and theologian, Blaise Pascal, said this, "The only shame is to have none." Is this us? If our hearts are hardened we can sin without shame. In Mark 8:17-19, Jesus asks His own disciples if their heart had been hardened. If you've ever been shamed by someone, was it because you deserved it, or was it unjustified? How did that make you feel?

When Shame Helps vs. When It Hurts

So as a Christian, is shame good or bad? The answer is that it can be both. We need to feel shame over our actions. Shame motivates us to change. When we feel shame it means we need to seek forgiveness, we need a rebirth into a new way of living. Shame can make us realize our need for Christ, and helps us look to Jesus as the only One who can make us right. In 1 Corinthians 15:34, Paul says we should be ashamed to continue sinning because some are ignorant of God.

When is shame bad? 2 Timothy 1:8 gives specific examples of when shame is bad. Paul says we shouldn't have shame over speaking about Jesus nor should we be ashamed if this leads to imprisonment. The false beliefs people have about us as Christians should never cause us shame.

Peter tells us the same thing in 1 Peter 4: 12-16. Suffering for Christ because we are honoring God should never make us feel ashamed, in fact it brings us honor. Suffering shame for sin on the other hand is well deserved shame. But should we continue feeling shame?

Letting God Heal the Shame

As Christians we need to move past shame. In 2 Timothy 1:12, Paul says that because He knows who it is that he believes in, he is not ashamed, nor should we be. Romans 10:11 and 1 Peter 2:6 tell us that if we believe in God we will not be put to shame. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus endured the shame of the cross for us because of the joys set before Him. These same joys await us as God's children. Jesus Himself tells us that "If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him" (John 12:26). There is no fear of being shamed by our loving God.

As a Christ follower our shame should only be for sin. When we acknowledge that sin and repent, then our feelings of shame should be gone. We have been completely forgiven. We need to embrace His forgiveness. Will we still have regret, yes, probably. But shame should not remain because Christ suffered shame on a cross for us to bring us into the family of God.

Those feelings that shame brings of unworthiness as a human being should be gone because our worthiness now comes from Christ's sinless sacrifice for us. While Christ removes the condemnation of shame, the emotional struggle with shame is something God continues to heal in us over time.

Learning from the Past Without Getting Stuck

But forgiveness doesn't mean we forget what we have done. How could we learn from past mistakes if we forgot we ever made them? We are all broken people, we all come to the Lord with a past, and none of us should be without shame. Overcoming shame and learning from past mistakes is a matter of trust. Do we trust the Lord to do what He has promised? Do we trust Him to "make all things new" (2 Corinthians 5:17)? Do we trust Him to welcome us with open arms as the prodigal son was?

And what if we fail and sin again, as we will do, even after turning our lives over to Him? God forgives and forgives again. He removes our shame with His forgiveness. What would life be like if we walked around all the time wracked with shame over our sin, with no way to rid ourselves of it? Miserable! But Jesus offers us "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Peter 1:8). This, praise be to God, is not a life of misery but a life of joy.

When Shame Feels Overwhelming

Shame can become so deeply rooted in some people that it is the lens through which they see everything. Shame can make us feel like we are never good enough. It can turn us into perfectionists and people pleasers. It can make us feel so much like a failure that we stop trying. It can make us defensive and critical of not only ourselves but others. This kind of shame needs to be rooted out with God's help.

Discovering Your True Worth in God

It is God who heals the broken hearted and the wounded (Psalm 147:3). Remember, the Devil is a liar and would love for you to feel unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. You are a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). You matter to God. Our value comes from Him and nothing that you do or say can change that. Jesus has given us the power and authority to live our lives according to His plan (2 Corinthians 10:4-5).